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Post by Deleted on Nov 2, 2019 13:36:56 GMT -6
David Brenner: The difference between waking up in the country and waking up in New York. In the country, when you wake up and look out the window, you see a squirrel looking back in at you. In New York when you look out the window, you see a man, dressed as a squirrel, looking back in at you!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 6, 2019 13:19:27 GMT -6
You ever see the ads or store fronts regarding psychic readings? I have a couple random thoughts about them:
First, why should I pay a couple dollars a minute to call them? If they know I'm in need of a psychic.....WHY AREN'T THEY CALLING ME?
Also, keep post it notes with you so if you ever pass a psychic store and it's closed, you can leave them a note that reads: YOU SHOULD HAVE KNOWN I WAS COMING!
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Post by hsbob on Nov 7, 2019 17:19:42 GMT -6
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and says "give me a beer"...…..bartender says "we don't serve food here"
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Post by Tater on Nov 8, 2019 12:50:05 GMT -6
He’ll Be Surprised
MAN: "Sure. Go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and
saw the New 2020 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$80,000."
MAN: "Okay. But for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we
wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking
$950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just
offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "Okay. I'll see you later. I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too." The man hangs up. The other
men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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Post by Deleted on Nov 15, 2019 21:41:36 GMT -6
My local grocery store teamed up with a gas station to allow us to get gas rewards based on the groceries we bought. During one stretch after purchasing groceries, I earned enough rewards to get gas for less then a dollar a gallon.
I was talking with a friend and told him I got gas for under a dollar today. He said: I ate at Taco Bell today too!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 25, 2019 9:35:20 GMT -6
A man always wanted a parrot since he was a boy, His family knowing this decided to surprise him on Thanksgiving day. Now the parrot wasn't raised in a christian environment and it was mocking, insulting, and threatening the man. That Thanksgiving day he got the man so angry that he put the parrot in the freezer. After 3 minutes he let the parrot out. the parrot says "I take it by your attitude and behavior I somehow offended you." The man says "You did.!" Then the parrot says "Can I ask you one more question?" The man says "Sure, what is it?" The parrot asked "What did the turkey do?"
Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!
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Post by T-man2010 on Nov 25, 2019 10:44:39 GMT -6
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2019 14:05:47 GMT -6
Rodney Dangerfield:
I had an uncle that was so lazy, he married a pregnant woman
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2019 19:40:55 GMT -6
Steven Wright/Quotes
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now I can't find him.
I named my dog stay. When I call him I say here, stay, here, stay....the dog walks with a stutter.
I put instant coffee in the microwave and went back in time.
I have a large seashell collection that I keep scattered all over the beaches around the world.
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Post by jacksalmon on Dec 4, 2019 11:07:39 GMT -6
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful blonde. The 11:00 news comes on and they show a guy on the top of a 20 story building getting ready to jump. The man tells the blonde that he bets her $20 that the guy will jump. She says sure and bets that he won't.
The guy jumps, she loses the bet and gives the man at the bar her $20. He says I can't keep your money because I already saw this story on the 5:00 news. She says so did I, but I didn't believe that he would do it again.
The man gets up, leaves the bar and keeps her money.
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Post by T-man2010 on Dec 4, 2019 11:46:56 GMT -6
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful blonde. The 11:00 news comes on and they show a guy on the top of a 20 story building getting ready to jump. The man tells the blonde that he bets her $20 that the guy will jump. She says sure and bets that he won't. The guy jumps, she loses the bet and gives the man at the bar her $20. He says I can't keep your money because I already saw this story on the 5:00 news. She says so did I, but I didn't believe that he would do it again. The man gets up, leaves the bar and keeps her money. She's a keeper!!! |
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Post by hsbob on Dec 4, 2019 12:28:42 GMT -6
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful blonde. The 11:00 news comes on and they show a guy on the top of a 20 story building getting ready to jump. The man tells the blonde that he bets her $20 that the guy will jump. She says sure and bets that he won't. The guy jumps, she loses the bet and gives the man at the bar her $20. He says I can't keep your money because I already saw this story on the 5:00 news. She says so did I, but I didn't believe that he would do it again. The man gets up, leaves the bar and keeps her money. Met a woman in a bar myself the other night and out of nowhere she says "boxers or briefs?" I said "depends". |
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Post by jacksalmon on Dec 4, 2019 15:23:12 GMT -6
A man walks into a bar and sits next to a beautiful blonde. The 11:00 news comes on and they show a guy on the top of a 20 story building getting ready to jump. The man tells the blonde that he bets her $20 that the guy will jump. She says sure and bets that he won't. The guy jumps, she loses the bet and gives the man at the bar her $20. He says I can't keep your money because I already saw this story on the 5:00 news. She says so did I, but I didn't believe that he would do it again. The man gets up, leaves the bar and keeps her money. Met a woman in a bar myself the other night and out of nowhere she says "boxers or briefs?" I said "depends". I like that. I'll bet the 20 year olds wouldn't get it. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2019 16:24:16 GMT -6
Met a woman in a bar myself the other night and out of nowhere she says "boxers or briefs?" I said "depends". I like that. I'll bet the 20 year olds wouldn't get it.
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Post by galaxytrash on Dec 4, 2019 22:35:48 GMT -6
wasn't sure where to plunk this but the blackhawk's lately haven't provided much to smile about so right here's a good a place as any i guess...
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Post by angoti on Dec 6, 2019 15:32:28 GMT -6
The Bridge
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.
'God replied, 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, Iwish that I, and all men, could understand women. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.
God replied:
"You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
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Post by angoti on Dec 6, 2019 15:48:42 GMT -6
MALE LOGIC ...
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man:
Yes
Woman:
How many beers a day?
Man:
Usually about 3
Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?
Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip
Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?
Man:
About 20 years, I suppose
Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts
your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
Correct
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer,
that money could have been put in a step-up interest
savings account and after accounting for compound interest
for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No
Man:
Where's your Ferrari?
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Post by angoti on Dec 6, 2019 16:18:11 GMT -6
Biology Exam
Students in an advanced biology class were taking their final exam.
The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student,
in particular, was hard put to think of seven
advantages.
However, he wrote:
The last question was, '
Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’
1) It is the perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides
immunity against several diseases.
3) It is
always the right temperature.
4) It is
inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and
vice versa.
6) It is always available as
needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground
where the cat can't get it.
He got an A.
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Post by angoti on Dec 22, 2019 13:49:38 GMT -6
One for The ladies..
SHE WALKED UP AND TIED HER OLD MULE TO THE HITCHING POST. AS SHE STOOD THERE, BRUSHING SOME OF THE DUST FROM HER FACE AND CLOTHES, A YOUNG GUNSLINGER STEPPED OUT OF THE SALOON WITH A GUN IN ONE HAND AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY IN THE OTHER.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER LOOKED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND LAUGHED, "HEY OLD WOMAN, HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?"
THE OLD WOMAN LOOKED UP AT THE GUNSLINGER AND SAID, "NO, I NEVER DID DANCE; NEVER REALLY WANTED TO."
A CROWD HAD GATHERED AS THE GUNSLINGER GRINNED AND SAID, "WELL, YOU OLD BAG, YOU'RE GONNA DANCE NOW," AND STARTED SHOOTING AT THE OLD WOMAN'S FEET.
THE OLD WOMAN PROSPECTOR, NOT WANTING TO GET HER TOE BLOWN OFF, STARTED HOPPING AROUND. EVERYBODY WAS LAUGHING.
WHEN HIS LAST BULLET HAD BEEN FIRED, THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER, STILL LAUGHING, HOLSTERED HIS GUN AND TURNED AROUND TO GO BACK INTO THE SALOON.
THE OLD WOMAN TURNED TO HER PACK MULE, PULLED OUT A DOUBLE-BARRELLED SHOTGUN, AND COCKED BOTH HAMMERS.
THE LOUD CLICKS CARRIED CLEARLY THROUGH THE DESERT AIR. THE CROWD STOPPED LAUGHING IMMEDIATELY.
THE YOUNG GUNSLINGER HEARD THE SOUNDS, TOO, AND HE TURNED AROUND VERY SLOWLY. THE SILENCE WAS ALMOST DEAFENING.
THE CROWD WATCHED AS THE YOUNG GUNMAN STARED AT THE OLD WOMAN AND THE LARGE GAPING HOLES OF THOSE TWIN BARRELS. THE BARRELS OF THE SHOTGUN NEVER WAVERED IN THE OLD WOMAN'S HANDS, AS SHE QUIETLY SAID, "SON, HAVE YOU EVER KISSED A MULE'S ASS?"
THE GUNSLINGER SWALLOWED HARD AND SAID, "NO M'AM, BUT I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO."
THERE ARE A FEW LESSONS HERE FOR ALL OF US:
1 - Never be arrogant.
2 - Don't waste ammunition.
3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power
5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid.
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Post by T-man2010 on Dec 26, 2019 15:39:30 GMT -6
A man and his wife are Christmas shopping at a busy shopping mall just before the holiday. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, so she called him on his cell phone.
"Where are you? You know we have lots to do!"
He replied, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I couldn't afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
Tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
choked up…
"Yes, I do remember that shop," she responded.
"Well, I'm in the golf shop next door to that."
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Post by galaxytrash on Dec 26, 2019 23:40:00 GMT -6
^^ reminds me about the guy who walks up to a very cute sales girl at a big shopping mall and she says to the gal "i've lost my wife in the mall today and i can't find her. been looking for 2 hours and she doesn't have her phone" she says "i'm sorry to hear that but why are you telling me this?"
he says "well...whenever i start talking to a good looker like yourself she just appears out of nowhere."
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Post by galaxytrash on Jan 10, 2020 1:42:36 GMT -6
i guess there's a canadian version of "family feud."
now this gal (from my home province of manitoba i'm sad to say) is a natural blonde, of that i've no doubt.
the sound is horrible but it's one question to win the game. the host asks "what is popeye's favorite food?"
she says "chicken."
i can't stop watching it.
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Post by hsbob on Jan 10, 2020 8:13:56 GMT -6
i guess there's a canadian version of "family feud." now this gal (from my home province of manitoba i'm sad to say) is a natural blonde, of that i've no doubt. the sound is horrible but it's one question to win the game. the host asks "what is popeye's favorite food?" she says "chicken." i can't stop watching it. I'd take her to Popeye's for a chicken sandwich.....those F'ers are good! |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2020 10:19:21 GMT -6
i guess there's a canadian version of "family feud." now this gal (from my home province of manitoba i'm sad to say) is a natural blonde, of that i've no doubt. the sound is horrible but it's one question to win the game. the host asks "what is popeye's favorite food?" she says "chicken." i can't stop watching it. I'd take her to Popeye's for a chicken sandwich.....those F'ers are good! I see a new avatar coming with you holding a Popeye's chicken sandwich  |
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Post by T-man2010 on Jan 10, 2020 10:30:42 GMT -6
i guess there's a canadian version of "family feud." now this gal (from my home province of manitoba i'm sad to say) is a natural blonde, of that i've no doubt. the sound is horrible but it's one question to win the game. the host asks "what is popeye's favorite food?" she says "chicken." i can't stop watching it. I'd take her to Popeye's for a chicken sandwich.....those F'ers are good!  |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 10, 2020 22:45:21 GMT -6
Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife "Notice Anything Different About Me?
Margaret, age 75, looked him over. "Nope"
Frustrated, Bert stormed into the bedroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW!"
Margaret looked up and in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow"
Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?"
"Nope, not a clue" she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"
Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat Bert....shoulda bought a hat"
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Post by galaxytrash on Feb 18, 2020 20:50:09 GMT -6
haha....clever.
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Post by shooter61 on Mar 2, 2020 11:23:11 GMT -6
Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question. "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almighty!" The teacher congratulated her. A little later the teacher asked her another question, "Tell me who is our lord and savior?" Joe poked Josey again and she yelled out, "Jesus Christ!" The teacher congratulated her again. Later on the teacher asked, "What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?" Joe poked Josey again and she shouted, "If you stick that thing in me again, I'll snap it in half and stick it up your ass!"
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Post by shooter61 on Mar 2, 2020 11:25:02 GMT -6
Jesus, Moses, and an old man go golfing. The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green. Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green. Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard. Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole. The old man's turn comes and he drives the ball. The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish. As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish. As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one. Jesus looks at Moses and says, "I really think I'm leaving Dad at home next time!"
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Post by galaxytrash on Mar 20, 2020 18:13:04 GMT -6
my brother told me this.
"people used to cough to cover the noise of a fart, now they fart to cover the sound of a cough."
my other brother sent me this gem.
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